I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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