also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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