btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
All I want is dick and wine.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
