woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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