I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
