I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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