The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
