My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
