I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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