one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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