Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
