I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
