im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
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I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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