maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
