i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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