So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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