So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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