i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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