Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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