Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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