the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Randomize
