I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
