fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
