Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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