Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
