Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
