I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
