Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
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I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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