i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
