I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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