i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
