My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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