Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
