Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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