is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
