Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
