I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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