Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
