More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
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i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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