No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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