You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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