you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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