if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
