I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
