I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
