Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Dignity is for republicans.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
