I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
pop tarts are not kleenex
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Randomize
