I just saw a hot homeless man
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
