apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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