Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
