Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
