I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
