That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
