Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Randomize
