"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
