Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
