i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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