I accidentally had phone sex last night
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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